there are circumstances in ones life which evades all the answers.then, there are people one encounter in life even for few hours who leave a lasting impression.the yoke of the impression has to be carried for an entire lifetime...whether you like it or not!
i work in a neuro surgery ICU in one of the premier hospitals of india.i encounter patients of varying degrees of head injuries on a daily basis.some make it...many of them sustain it...most of them succumb to it.but what remains the constant is my approach to every patient and his/her immediate relative.its like a perturbing dictum,a monotonous manual of sorts when i explain the patients condition to their relatives. i somehow have failed to feel the humongous spurge of overwhelming emotions in the eyes of a devastated relative.after every such ordeal i feel that my part is over as i hand them the consent form to sign.it take five minutes tops.five minutes to fill the heart of an already shattered relative with melancholy,uncertainity,hopelessness and utter disregard towards the ongoing situation in particular and life in general!five minutes is what it takes to shake the foundation of someones belief in life.but little do i realise how long its gonna take to rebuild the dilapidated hope!
my mom always says that its not how many hours you work, how many patients you care,how much you earn matters...what matters is how satisfied are you at the end of the day,how peaceful are you when you lay your head on the bed to sleep,how eager and happy are you to start the day doing what you have been doing always.
i have asked those questions to myself time and again,have i been satisfied?have i been doing justice to what i am doing?the answer evades me every single time.i contemplate on the events of the day every night, i ponder over the decisions i took througout the day.every day my satisfaction level changes.its then i come to terms with the fact that satisfaction is a relative term...i cant be as satisfied as i was yesterday.no, icant!
every time i look at a patient recuperating,eventually getting discharged there is this ineffable wave of bliss i feel. every single time the patients relative, be it his mother, wife, son, daughter thank me for what i have done i feel blessed...i feel that theres still humanity left in the world which awaits its impending doom!one just cant put these feelings into words...one just has to stand in humility when an over joyous mother thanks you for her sons recovery!yes, there are many things in life which the money cant buy...gratitude is one of those!
but then, the mood in the ICU is never constant...theres death lurking around everywhere,waiting to unfold its vicious pangs.every time when a patient succumbs to the injuries inspite of our measures to save him there is a gloom which perhaps lasts longer than happiness.when a devastated wife looks in disbelief at her husbands still face amidst the umpteen tubes and wires,amidst the ever torturing noise of ventillators you know the value of that patient in bed no.3, hospital no.563101 in that grieving womans life!very few break out into cry when they lose their loved ones in hospital.they just stand...with disbelief.they deny the fact that they have just lost that person. i cant tell you the awkwardness of the situation when i have to console them for their loss.who am i to console them?what do know about the importance of bed no.3,hosp no.563101 in their lives?but still i have to...as overwhelming as it is,yet more often than not every grieving relative listens to me when i talk to them about the proceedings.with tears in their eyes and unsurmountable agony in their heart,they listen! i sometimes choke when i see a lady carrying her baby and holding the hand of another child standing in front of me as i tell her that her only pillar of survival,her husband is no more!
i ask myself in utter disdain...why?why do i have to do what i do?why am i even working in a place where i have to witness the death of not just an individual...but a family!
the answer evades me yet again as i ponder over it looking into the mirror while i get ready to work...yet another day...yet another confrontation with life and its dark counterpart,death.
i look into the mirror,give myself a wry smile which explains nothing and head to do something which i have been doing... as my mother puts it...to do something which brings me un parellel satisfaction and happiness!perhaps...
-abhishikth
well said Appu, i can relate a bit to what you are saying here, Even thought i worked in a hopital, As a administrator u dont deal directly with patients but then i remember the times when a patient dies in our hospital and they bring the relatives to me saying that they dont have money to pay the bills, thats one thing i really hated doing it, u need to go with your gut feeling at times, whether he is really not having money to pay or he doesnt want to pay. sometimes u misfire, sometimes u put the hospital first, i want them to pay the bill. occationally i have told people that you are not taking the patient unless u pay the bill. i know i never wanted to bargain with people about money specially when their loved ones are dead.but mostky when u say taht they pay the bill, in general people think mission hosipitals u can get away with not paying anything. but then end of the day, i was glad for what i was doing, cos i thought of the other side where thousands of poor people were benifitted, because of our hospitals, cos we were there for them, they could afford to come to a hospital, which otherwise they wouldnt. keep the good work my friend
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